How Kennedy Ryan’s “Before I Let Go” Addresses Grief & Depression In Relationships
Before I Let Go by Kennedy Ryan has been haunting the edge of my memories ever since I finished reading it over the weekend. I’d heard so many good things about it thanks to BookTok, but I was wildly unprepared for the way this novel gripped my soul and wouldn’t let go. The last book to do that was Kate Clayborn’s The Other Side of Disappearing which I highly recommend!
Before I dive into the themes of Before I Let Go, I want to preface my review by saying it mentions child loss, depression, and suicidal ideation. However, Kennedy Ryan approached them gracefully. She also mentions that she consulted with those who’ve experienced them as well as therapists. That alone let me know I was in for a ride full of healing, intimacy, and love.
P.S. This review contains spoilers
My Full Review of “Before I Let Go”
Kennedy Ryan kicks off the beginning of Before I Let Go with a flashback from Josiah’s POV. Readers later find out he’s the ex-husband of Yasmen and their divorce has been final for two years. Right away, I sensed that their love is one that encompasses every part of their soul and should’ve allowed them to walk into the forever their younger selves dreamed about. But, reading more of the book tugged at a nagging part of my brain that vividly remembers how my own relationship crashed and burned at a point.
We often hear about how infidelity destroys relationships and marriages, but hardly do we hear about how grief or depression can do the same. How two people can experience the same thing, but have two very different responses to it. It’s ironic that the main character’s name is so similar to my own because I also dealt with a form of deep depression that caused me to push my partner away. I’ve never lost a child, but the beginning of motherhood felt lonely and painful…I felt like my partner wasn’t even trying to get it.
So when Yasmen asked for a divorce at the height of Josiah’s desperation to move on from the pain of the child they lost together, I immediately understood how lonely she felt. How she was willing to sit in her grief. I also understood Josiah’s decision to run away from it but immersing himself in keeping their restaurant afloat. I was both of them at a point while dealing with a partner who’s very familiar with losing close loved ones.
The other ironic thing is that I fully understood why Yasmen felt jealous when Josiah briefly started dating and being sexually intimate with the head chef at their restaurant. Was it selfish of her to feel that way when she walked away from their marriage? Yes, but it was also human because you don’t always stop loving someone just because there’s deep rooted pain between the two of you. So, what does Yasmen do? Well, she tries to move on with someone else.
Except she doesn’t feel the same passionate fire for the new guy like she still feels for her ex-husband Josiah. Quite frankly, Josiah’s desire for her hasn’t left either.
Needless to say, everyone around them can feel the heat between the two even if they swear there’s nothing left. Kennedy Ryan does a great job of building the anticipation for something readers know is coming — the inevitable and overdue moment the former couple decides to act on their feelings. It’s definitely spicy, but that’s the beautiful thing about two people who love each other.
I’ve since come to appreciate that romantic love and deep bonds come with things that would make some people clutch their pearls if they’re uncomfortable with the idea of people being raunchy during sexy time. And if there’s one thing Yasmen and Josiah aren’t shy about, it’s the way they truly desire each other. It made me giggle like a little girl TBH.
Before they open themselves to that, Josiah decides to go to therapy to help their youngest child be comfortable with opening up to his own therapist. He’s unsurprisingly stoic in the beginning, but it doesn’t deter his therapist from asking questions that Josiah has refused to let himself answer over the years. What readers will learn is that his penchant for running away when faced with grief began when he was a little boy and has followed him well into adulthood.
It’s only when he starts to be open to his emotions and vulnerability that he’s able to pinpoint what Yasmen was feeling at the lowest point of their marriage. He’s also able to realize how he’s been afraid of losing people close to him and how his fear showed up the minute grief reappeared as an adult. They’re not a perfect couple, but that’s the point. They were never meant to be.
Before I Let Go paints a picture of two people who decide their love story is still worth telling. It’s a beautiful reminder that all things aren’t lost if only we’re able to move through our pain. Of course this doesn’t mean you should go call that one ex from high school or college, but I am saying we can be open to second chances if we’re willing to honestly confront the darkness together.
Next up? This Could Be Us by Kennedy Ryan!
