Staring Accountability in the Face
I’m just going to say it - accountability sucks sometimes. Choosing to take ownership for harmful things you say, do, or even let happen can feel like having your wisdom teeth removed without anesthesia. And guess what? It doesn’t matter if you didn’t intend to harm someone or even yourself. Accountability only cares about you showing up and owning whatever mistake you’ve made.
You can say that I’ve learned about this the hard way because the past almost 2 years have been rough. I’m talking about dragged through mud and limestone, spitting out pieces of jagged rocks rough. Between you and I, I complained a lot during this dragging. I was masterful with the way I weaved my complaints because “woe is me”, right?
Wrong! Although some moments weren’t always expected, it took 3 breakdowns for me to realize I was the only one dragging myself through muddy and rough terrain. Oops. And those complaints that added fuel to my ‘dragging tank?’ They caused even more stress.
Perhaps the worst yet best moment of choosing to be accountable was hearing my orthodontist say, “Don’t blame your toddler for the choice you made to get off track. He’s still learning but you know better.” Can we say ouch?!
I wanted to be mad that my orthodontist called me out like that in front of staff but, deep down, he knew that I knew he was right. I wasn’t being proactive so now I have to start my entire aligners (braces) journey over. Guess what this taught me? Accountability only hurts because it requires us to look at the role we play in our own misery and, for lack of a better term, backsliding.
This, along with other things, has made me really look at the way I’ve allowed myself to carry misery. Because I was so focused on how things should be, I stopped paying attention to reality. I stopped taking care of mental and emotional wellness, treated my aligners haphazardly and chose to make a fuss about the way I want my household to look/feel when I know there’s a difference in accountability there.
Do you know what the biggest lesson choosing to be accountable has shown me? It’s that things are usually worse when we refuse to take ownership of our actions/decisions. We think we’re protecting our egos and pride by not facing ourselves but, sooner or later, the consequences of pretending always reveal themselves.
I can’t tell you what accountability looks like for you in this season of your life so I won’t. What I will say is that it doesn’t always come easily to others, myself included, even if they don’t always talk about it. I like to think of it as another piece of the healing journey. Some things just come with consistency and time.
